(no subject)

I hate girls, they're all so bitchy and mean to me because I'm not a tall, beta male. SO FUCKING STUPID!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to dig an axe so deep into a girl's head, her brains spill out her fricking mouth. I'll take pilers to the girl's teeth at my school and I will tear them all out 1 by 1. She BETTER not pass out she deserves to feel every second of pain. Just like how I had to experience every second of humiliation and pain from HER. I've never wanted anything but a little bit of respect, or love, but I wouldn't care that much. I can't even commit to a girl.

If ReB doesn't like the person I'm dating, I don't want them either. If my girlfriend doesn't like ReB.. Then I don't want her! :) ReB deserves the world from the shithole he saved me from. I may spend a lot of time with him but that doesn't matter. I CAN make time for a girl; I just don't want to. I'm ugly and short anyways, no girl has ever even looked at me.

I HATE GIRLS!!!!!!!! Not in a faggot way but God... CAN THESE BITCHES SHUT UP FOR LONGER THAN 45 MINUTES???? Nobody freaking cares, maybe lose some weight before you comment on how I look. So many girls laugh at me at the park or ask my gender. I know I'm feminine and all that but you're the one growing a moustache. I'm gonna bring a bottle of bleach to school and spray it in the next girl's eyes who insults me. There's no girl pretty enough to be a bitch.

(no subject)

My dad found my blades, fucking tard didn't know that I gave him the decoys. Nobody gonna' fucking stop me from doing what I want, LOL. I was able to buy them from Target, so it's obviously not that bad that I have them. Maybe open your brain and stop being a retard and you'd be able to see through my lies. God, WAKE UP!!! I hate all these blind faggots that can't see through a simple, white lie.

My mom saw my scars after she got out of jail and she was really upset, telling my dad but then my dad DEFENDED ME! Saying that I fussed up and gave him my blades, LMFAO. When will they realize they can't stop me? I will ALWAYS find my way around things. I don't care that they're "permanent scars" it gives me the rush nothing else satisfies.

All the blood and pain, makes me feel like I'm looking at the 4th wall. Lord, the red's so pretty. :) I used to have my walls at my old house painted dark red, ReB's probably one of the only people who know that. I had red walls, a red dresser, red phone, red blankets, it made me feel so at odd.

It's a feeling I don't know how to recreate, I have everything in my life set to red. I love seeing my blood and others bleed. It's nasty and sticky, makes the blood in my fingertips isolate. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!! Veins are so perfect, only thing I want in a girl in visible veins. I remember when I was sedated at the hospital, they put an IV in me and I ripped it out when I woke up, blood rushed down my arm and all the doctors panicked, LOL.

I'd love to cut in a place that would squirt back at me, I want to see what's under all this grueling flesh. I want to see the disgusting body of mine and others. In my county, minors can hold/buy a knife as long as it's under 7 inches, so I might go out later and look around. Pocket knives are also beautiful, especially ones with camo handles, just perfection. I love it.

(no subject)

I hate MOST women... But maybe out there, there's a girl who I could hold close and kiss. It'd be nice to have a cheesy romance, putting notes in a girl's locker, following her around, admiring how she moves... A girl so perfect I could put away any bad fact about her -- any flaw wouldn't matter. Will love even to matter after BTK? Maybe, but as long as I live in the present, I'll find a girl. A girl that ACTUALLY loves me? That let's my flawed hands caress her..

I've never had any "hallway crush" or "love at first sight" but maybe she's out there... Sometimes I think, maybe my soulmate isn't even a romantic soulmate. Maybe it's just someone I'm intertwined spiritually with, like ReB.. Someone who I can follow and mimic.

Follower.. I've always been a protectee to the sheepdog, yet it's never helped. I've never TRUELY been protected from others. It's everyone's fault I'm like this.. I wasn't shielded, my vulnerable, mushy brain getting gauged out through my eyeholes. Every relationship feels like a lobotomy at this point, no more color, besides ReB.

(no subject)

7 deadly sins or 7 Dylanary microaggressions?
Jealously
Insecurity
Wrath
Hatred
Envy
Shame
Embarrassment

- THe book of VoDKaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

(no subject)

I'm a spastic bundle of emotions tonight... I feel so warm and ready for death, the blood simmering in my body. I need to get it all out. Blow my brains all over the walls and stain it with my blood, watching as all my family members act like they didn't expect this to happen.. Hands so warm.. So sweaty.. I feel so fever-ish? I don't feel sick I just feel so... non-sexually close :) My skins so ripe, I want to cut but I can't.. It's too early from my last incident; they'll definitely find out. I can't go back to the psych ward and get my phone taken again, that was terrible. They found EVERYTHING. My dad is getting really concerned because it went from simple styros and now it's beans -- fascia. Though I haven't gone to the hospital in a year or 2 so.. I should be fine. If my school or parents find ANY of this, it's all over for me. If they diagnose me with something, I won't be able to get my gun license OR hunting license...

I want to carve my disgusting fingers off.. Butcher and mutilate my body beyond recognition......... My hands are blood pooling, everything is burning to the touch.. I feel like I'm in a weird state of ecstasy, so warm and ready. I feel like a squirmy maggot, crawling my way out the shell and feeling my body finally spread out. It's so boiling and bright, is this what death feels like? Or is this true life? Have I finally broken through? I've been seeing the fourth wall this entire time and now I FEEL IT. Maybe, I've been watching all of you this entire time.. Hnhh, let me free...

Ahh, my hands have just gone numb... I think I'm sick but why does it feel so good? I feel so sensitive to the touch... NEeD to caress a girl and drag her deep into the Hell I've been in for years... I'm not ready to go back to school tomorrow.. Weekends are so short. Oh, I need help, don't I? I don't want to go back to the hospital.. Please don't take me back. I'm so scared of everyone and everything.... I've pushed through this long without any major incidents, so I can keep going.. HmmmMMmm....

I want to carve a looooooooonnnnnnggg line down my arm.. See the epidermis, fat, tissue, muscle, AND bone.. So bloody, spilling out all over the floor.. Finger the wound and get it deeply infected.. Gross disgusting scar that will never ever leave my pained body. Scars so identifiable, just like my druggie brother.. I need to carve so badly.. Please, just give me a pass this once, I need it so badly... I keep thinking about when I was little, I dissected a squid and took out its eyes.. They popped and leaked this beautiful red-ish purple liquid everywhere... Gross, warm fluid all over the table and me.. I'm gonna hurt a girl, not intentionally, but I need to hurt something.. Someone... Please, oh please, give me your body..

I love tendons.. So beautiful watching the way they move and twitch. I want to cut my tendon and see what happens.. Nhhh.. Oh lord, save me.. I'm not a pervert; I'd never force a girl into anything, but I'd do anything to slice a girl's wrist open.. Put an axe deep in her head and look at her brains falling out.. I can't go back to school, I don't trust myself enough to not do something bad... Should I bring my blades to sChooL tomorrow?

I had control of a girl once and she was into the whole blood thing but when I asked to cut her, she only let me lightly slice her frickin' thigh.. Just styro, so wimpy.. I need a girl who will let me tear the fat out her thigh.. I NEED TO SEE PAIN!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR IT OR FEEL IT, I WANT TO SEE REAL TEARS AND SUFFERING. Blood and guts, get me so fuzzy inside.. I'm so sorry for being a mess on the internet.. ReB's gonna make fun of me but -- I just needed to rant for a little.. Just a little.. I'm so sorry........ :(