(no subject)

[calgabriel]

I'm a spastic bundle of emotions tonight... I feel so warm and ready for death, the blood simmering in my body. I need to get it all out. Blow my brains all over the walls and stain it with my blood, watching as all my family members act like they didn't expect this to happen.. Hands so warm.. So sweaty.. I feel so fever-ish? I don't feel sick I just feel so... non-sexually close :) My skins so ripe, I want to cut but I can't.. It's too early from my last incident; they'll definitely find out. I can't go back to the psych ward and get my phone taken again, that was terrible. They found EVERYTHING. My dad is getting really concerned because it went from simple styros and now it's beans -- fascia. Though I haven't gone to the hospital in a year or 2 so.. I should be fine. If my school or parents find ANY of this, it's all over for me. If they diagnose me with something, I won't be able to get my gun license OR hunting license...

I want to carve my disgusting fingers off.. Butcher and mutilate my body beyond recognition......... My hands are blood pooling, everything is burning to the touch.. I feel like I'm in a weird state of ecstasy, so warm and ready. I feel like a squirmy maggot, crawling my way out the shell and feeling my body finally spread out. It's so boiling and bright, is this what death feels like? Or is this true life? Have I finally broken through? I've been seeing the fourth wall this entire time and now I FEEL IT. Maybe, I've been watching all of you this entire time.. Hnhh, let me free...

Ahh, my hands have just gone numb... I think I'm sick but why does it feel so good? I feel so sensitive to the touch... NEeD to caress a girl and drag her deep into the Hell I've been in for years... I'm not ready to go back to school tomorrow.. Weekends are so short. Oh, I need help, don't I? I don't want to go back to the hospital.. Please don't take me back. I'm so scared of everyone and everything.... I've pushed through this long without any major incidents, so I can keep going.. HmmmMMmm....

I want to carve a looooooooonnnnnnggg line down my arm.. See the epidermis, fat, tissue, muscle, AND bone.. So bloody, spilling out all over the floor.. Finger the wound and get it deeply infected.. Gross disgusting scar that will never ever leave my pained body. Scars so identifiable, just like my druggie brother.. I need to carve so badly.. Please, just give me a pass this once, I need it so badly... I keep thinking about when I was little, I dissected a squid and took out its eyes.. They popped and leaked this beautiful red-ish purple liquid everywhere... Gross, warm fluid all over the table and me.. I'm gonna hurt a girl, not intentionally, but I need to hurt something.. Someone... Please, oh please, give me your body..

I love tendons.. So beautiful watching the way they move and twitch. I want to cut my tendon and see what happens.. Nhhh.. Oh lord, save me.. I'm not a pervert; I'd never force a girl into anything, but I'd do anything to slice a girl's wrist open.. Put an axe deep in her head and look at her brains falling out.. I can't go back to school, I don't trust myself enough to not do something bad... Should I bring my blades to sChooL tomorrow?

I had control of a girl once and she was into the whole blood thing but when I asked to cut her, she only let me lightly slice her frickin' thigh.. Just styro, so wimpy.. I need a girl who will let me tear the fat out her thigh.. I NEED TO SEE PAIN!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR IT OR FEEL IT, I WANT TO SEE REAL TEARS AND SUFFERING. Blood and guts, get me so fuzzy inside.. I'm so sorry for being a mess on the internet.. ReB's gonna make fun of me but -- I just needed to rant for a little.. Just a little.. I'm so sorry........ :(