(no subject)

You make me feel a certain way, not happy or comforted like how you're supposed to but I feel like I'm always either hating you or crying over you. Why can't you just stay and be my mom? This is so stupid, and I hate everything. You haven't loved me since 2018, why am I such an outcast? If I was a normal, masculine boy, would you have raised me better?

I should just blow my brains out; I have no purpose in others' lives. I only matter to ReB and yet he still has hundreds of people fanning over him, I have no place on this grueling world. The only reason girls talk to me is to either bully me, or to ask for the answers to the Alg homework. This is so STUPID!

Please, free me from this cocoon you call skin. I feel so trapped, so warm yet naked. I can't take anything anymore. Nobody will take me seriously. I'm not allowed to go back on SSRIs because my mom thinks that it's going to rot my brain and make me stupid. I get I'm smart, but it really isn't my entire life, right? I'm not chained down... :(

(no subject)

Need to drink........ Lord, I haven't drunk in a while. ANyways, this weekend I'll ask to go to █████'s house and get blasted. I mean, I barely ever even get drunk, just ruining my liver without the fun included. Sigh, I'll just chug 2 Buzzballs with no mixer and pray it's strong enough. ReB told me to try the Blue Cherry Limeade chiller, but I've never seen one of those. I usually just get a coconut chiller and call it a day. Watermelon was also okay; I mixed it with a monster to try and mute the taste a bit.

I'm going to like chug a bottle of vodka and wake up, looking at my DreamWidth and see that I posted like 80 times and told ReB that I was going to like rape his corpse or something. I kind of hate not having control over what I do.. I've only been drunk a couple times, but God is it terrible. I used to be a huge lightweight and now I can take Buzzballs like it's nothing.

I remember my first time drinking a seltzer, I was shaking and whining. I didn't even know ReB back then, that's how old that memory is. I want to get a bottle of Absolut, but Buzzballs are so easy to get, so I usually settle for them. Just grab 'em and go. They taste like ASS, but it works well enough to ease the pain and my growing addiction. How pathetic is it to be addicted to shit like that? God, I don't think I'm that good at fuckin' living..