Facade

[calgabriel]

I feel like I cease to think about myself sometimes, like I put others first all the goddamn time. Why do I always have to be second place? Not romantically, not to anyone else, just to me, myself, and I. I feel like relationships are all transactional; they take and they leave. I just want to love someone sincerely, put a GIRL first, not anyone I speak to. I feel like sometimes I forget my own name for others, forget that I'm VoDKa, and I matter. Maybe I'm just stuck pretending to be someone else, someone who gives everything to everyone just for a sliver of attention. Couldn't let myself exist alone, so I had to make up someone else to account for my loneliness. I made up a new person so I could please others, and I could finally feel like I was free because someone loved whoever I hid behind. They never loved ME, they didn't want Dylan, they wanted my facade. They wanted who I constantly pretended I was. The second I let the knot untie and be me, they leave. They don't want to handle me.