the everlasting contrast

I like my dad. Hes a good man.

He may not be very reliable, he may be a little flaky at time, or hard to reach. And there was the time he bailed on his own birthday. We were about to light the candle but he said he needed to go to the corner store real quick and grab something. We didn't see him for a few weeks. There was the after time he left my little brothers birthday party while i was crying for him. He blamed my mom for it. He had his girlfriend there and a baby im not sure was his. He spent quite the time with it.

There are plenty of time were he wasn't really a great father but i think hes a good dad.
Hes not even my real dad but i couldn't tell the difference. From the moment he came into my life to now.
Even while hes not with my mom he still trys to be there for us, for me. Not even blood but he always treats us like it.

Hes a good dad, and amazing dad, and just as there is bad there is also good.

Like how he always thinks of us as soon as he got payed. From when i was a little girl and even to now. I have the memories of him calling my mom telling her he got paid and asking us what we wanted from the store. And then just this weekend he offered to take me to a surplus store because he knows I've been wanting to go, and even when i didn't have the money he said he would by me something. I got a coat, a nice coat, 50 something bucks. He even came home and gave my brother 50 so we had an equal split. And Then also when i mentioned wanting a helmet but not wanting to get one from there with how expensive they are he said he may know a guy who has one and that he'd get it for me.

What about the bike? I had been talking about wanting to get one, asking for jobs from him so i could save up to buy my own. I only talked about it, never asked. Then a week or so later he came home telling me he had gotten me one. Nothing new, probably an old one but that didn't matter. I didn't care if it was new or old just that i had one. I was so happy, and still am

He always thinks of me, he does. It may not feel like it sometimes or it may feel far but at least its there. At least he's there. He's always cared for me and hes always here for me even when i feel alone and even when hes hard to reach.

So yeah, i like my dad, i love him. Hes a good man. And even though there are some bad things, there are good things to make up for it.

I love him so much and i will always be my dad's girl, his daughter.

Why do opportunities I've been banking on only come up during plans I've been banking on?

God, what luck does one girl have for this to come about. This ain't the first time and im sure it won't be the last.

Last week I got to go over to my sister's house after not being able to go over for a while only to find out that I was also able to go to my boyfriend's house but I somehow forgot so didn't and i was relatively sad about it. One plan over another.

And now this week. geez what timing for me, how unfortunate. Today im able to go to my boyfriend's and i AM but yesterday, last night, while watching a movie with my dad he told me that tomorrow (today) we can go to one of the military supply stores that I've been wanting to go to for some time now. He even said HE'D buy me something which is even better. But today i want to go to my boyfriend's. I Am going today.

My father said he'd be here in the morning, its currently 10:
If he's not here in the next hour or so then i go to my boyfriends and miss the supply store.
I could cancel to wait to go with my dad but 1. I already cancelled last week so I'd feel really bad and 2. I could be sitting here waiting all day for him to never show.
My dad isn't reliable thats why hes not even here yet.
It'll come back around, both opportunities will and i know this but I'll bank one over the other and wait again.

I don't even know what I'd get at the store. A coat or maybe he helmet. Maybe another gasmask or if they have it a nice trenchcoat.
Time comes and so do plans, it'll find me again.

today I got a sharpener.

if you were to know me well you would probably try to talk to me, take it from me, ask for it, or steal it.
I remember that last time I got a sharpener it was in front of my boyfriend and he looked at me because he knew what I had gotten it for. he tried to take it from me but I didn't let him, I even giggled as if it was a game. I felt so bad after, guilty that he knew, or guilty that he had seen. I don't think I felt that bad though because I still went home and took it apart to cut myself.

I think he felt them the next day or so. he had his hands under my sleeve and I felt his fingers go over my wrists. I never flipped my hands over so fast. I changed the subject as soon I realized, talked about something that was nothing just to keep off the fact I was hurt.
its hard to say what I felt in that moment, it wasn't important for what I knew.
it wouldn't be brought up of any kind so I brushed over it.

anyway, the sharpener, I got one today. for Christmas I got colored pencils. they're nice colored pencils, I got a lot, like 180. the thing about colored pencils is they dull as you use them, right? and I didn't have anything to sharpen them, I had a knife bit that would ruin my pencils. all the sharpeners I would have had I had taken apart so my mom let me use her makeup pencil sharpener.. a sharpener that was already dull.

so I needed one. not for me to use in ways I wasn't supposed to but just one to use for real, for what it was made for.

so today I got a sharpener.
and for the first time in a very long I'm going to actually it for what its made for.