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Aug. 17th, 2025 09:49 amI miss getting drunk, when I'm drunk everything's at least a little okay. What's it like to be happy? Like HAPPY happy. Sure, I can make friends.. Think something's cool.. But none of that outweighs wanting to die. /ref I guess I always have a meltdown when I'm drunk, but it feels better because I don't bottle it up and tell myself to go die in a ditch like I usually do. I remember once I was drunk at a public pool and my phone was dead so I grabbed my friend's phone so that I could post on DreamWidth about how much I hated myself. People always say guilt is the first set to recovery, but I've been guilty about my actions for so long, when do I get a chance to "recover"? I've made amends with people who harassed me, with my exes, with my past friends.. I go to church camp every summer and youth group every Wednesday-- But what's the point? I'm not getting better and everyone knows it. I'm not going to go to a therapist and waste more money not being able to express myself because nobody out there is truly FOR ME, nobody can understand how I feel no matter the situation they've been in. I'm a schizophrenic, agoraphobic, borderline shit to take care of. I'm the only one that ever sticks around, everyone else just makes a shitty excuse for why they have to leave. I wish I could go back to the psych ward and maybe they'd pay more attention to me there. Last time I was in the psych ward I was on a fucking suicide watch and didn't even get to shower alone, like yeah thanks, I'm totally going to fucking kill myself with 17 staff always monitoring me. I think most people are just pedophiles or retards.
I was talking to Bash one night and he asked if I still liked being groomed and if he could still talk to me sexually. I don't remember responding, all I did was take melatonin and go to bed but apparently, I told him we could still be friends at 3 in the morning, which I have no fucking recollection of. Anyways, I've been having the worst insomnia and it's driving me crazy. Even when I take 10-15mg of melatonin, I still seem to wake up at night. My dad says it'll take a few days, but I just want to sleep good at least 1 day in my life.
This part is kind of random, but my dad asked if being blind bothered me because I can barely even see my computer screen sometimes, but I've always BEEN blind, I know no different. He says he thinks not being able to see anything would drive him crazy, but he's always had 20/20 vision, I've never been able to see. In the town over there's a Catholic church on the mountains that my mom always used to go to when she went into psychosis. I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm in psychosis and that's why I can't remember any of the bad things I do. Like my brain tries to block out things that I did so that I feel better. I never asked to be like this, I've done nothing but try to recover all my life but apparently, I just have to be the one that was fucked since the start. I'm straight; let's keep that clear, but I'm obviously not the most masculine of men at my school and I seem to always be getting hit on by gay men or people asking if I was sure I was straight. It doesn't help that I'm only now starting to get taller. I guess it's because I finally somewhat took control of my life and stopped eating junk food and soda and shit. I only drink water and eat relatively healthy now, I take vitamins and anything I can get my hands on to try and make myself feel better. My dentist is urging me to get my braces taken off soon because I'm so bad with taking care of myself that it'll start harming my teeth under the brackets.
I think one day I'll be okay. I can take incitive and I can do what I think is right, I think it's my perspective on the world that's altered. Sometimes at night, I hear people whispering from my closet or my window and I psych myself out thinking that I'm going to be killed. I imagine shadows outside my window, and I'll scream so loud it wakes my dad up. I don't know how to socialize or be in the general population. I just want help; I've never not wanted to be free from this body. I'm schizophrenic, anorexic, manic, borderline as shit, and I have Asperger's. I was going to try and hit fascia last night, but I distracted myself by playing Phasmophobia with my friends, I guess. Horror games always make me kind of queasy even when I've witnessed way worse. Anyways, I think I've ranted enough.
I was talking to Bash one night and he asked if I still liked being groomed and if he could still talk to me sexually. I don't remember responding, all I did was take melatonin and go to bed but apparently, I told him we could still be friends at 3 in the morning, which I have no fucking recollection of. Anyways, I've been having the worst insomnia and it's driving me crazy. Even when I take 10-15mg of melatonin, I still seem to wake up at night. My dad says it'll take a few days, but I just want to sleep good at least 1 day in my life.
This part is kind of random, but my dad asked if being blind bothered me because I can barely even see my computer screen sometimes, but I've always BEEN blind, I know no different. He says he thinks not being able to see anything would drive him crazy, but he's always had 20/20 vision, I've never been able to see. In the town over there's a Catholic church on the mountains that my mom always used to go to when she went into psychosis. I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm in psychosis and that's why I can't remember any of the bad things I do. Like my brain tries to block out things that I did so that I feel better. I never asked to be like this, I've done nothing but try to recover all my life but apparently, I just have to be the one that was fucked since the start. I'm straight; let's keep that clear, but I'm obviously not the most masculine of men at my school and I seem to always be getting hit on by gay men or people asking if I was sure I was straight. It doesn't help that I'm only now starting to get taller. I guess it's because I finally somewhat took control of my life and stopped eating junk food and soda and shit. I only drink water and eat relatively healthy now, I take vitamins and anything I can get my hands on to try and make myself feel better. My dentist is urging me to get my braces taken off soon because I'm so bad with taking care of myself that it'll start harming my teeth under the brackets.
I think one day I'll be okay. I can take incitive and I can do what I think is right, I think it's my perspective on the world that's altered. Sometimes at night, I hear people whispering from my closet or my window and I psych myself out thinking that I'm going to be killed. I imagine shadows outside my window, and I'll scream so loud it wakes my dad up. I don't know how to socialize or be in the general population. I just want help; I've never not wanted to be free from this body. I'm schizophrenic, anorexic, manic, borderline as shit, and I have Asperger's. I was going to try and hit fascia last night, but I distracted myself by playing Phasmophobia with my friends, I guess. Horror games always make me kind of queasy even when I've witnessed way worse. Anyways, I think I've ranted enough.