(no subject)

I feel kind of bad having BPD, like not.. Like feeling bad mentally I mean like, I feel bad for others. My view on people changes in seconds just dependent on their actions. You can do one little thing to make me think that you like someone more than me and in seconds I don't care about you nearly as much as I use to. Like I form really deep bonds with people - but if they don't keep abiding to my unspoken rules, I just can't care to keep putting in effort for them. I can't change you; I can't make you my ideal subject.

I know it sounds selfish, but I mean seriously. I guess I just immediately fall head over heels for someone but when they end up doing something I don't like, I just see a whole new world. I can still rebuild with them it just takes so long.. I dated my ex for so long because when we met, they were perfect and they stayed that way, they always told me about who they were talking to and when I accused them of cheating on me.. Well, it was true in the later scenarios but.. At the time they just held onto me, they gave me time and proof that they weren't cheating on me.

I always say I'm so tough and shit, but I can't take being cheated on. It's one thing just to have a break-up, I get it, but cheating on me? Did our relationship never matter? I guess that's why I'm so controlling. I can't help but always think that I'm being cheated on, no matter what happens. I feel like every little thing can tie back to someone liking someone else more than me. Not even just in relationships, when my best friend has a best-er friend, it feels like I'm completely irrelevant.