(no subject)

[calgabriel]

I hate everything. I don’t want to get up anymore, I don’t want to get out of bed. I wish I could crawl out my skin and reach the next level of ascension. Please, let me out. I’m going to grab a knife and slice my neck till I slam into my bone. My head will be hanging off my skin, about to fall off. I want to jab a knife into my artery and watch it squirt blood all over my table. I want to cut and cut till I can see my muscle. I want to be free. I’m going to suffocate myself, I’m going to put my head under the bath and stay there till I’m blue in the face and gasping for air but the only thing that goes into my lungs is water. Cold, cold water. Water so cold that it does the opposite of cool, makes your skin feel like it’s about to melt off. Let me out this weak, pathetic excuse for a body. I want to be free, I want to ascend to the next realm and be free from this quiet, somber Earth. I hate the sorrow I feel everyday. The sorrow that reminds me how much of a retarded loser I really am. The sorrow that I gained years ago. The sorrow that was gifted to me so politely by everyone in my entire life that caused this. You all hate me and I know you do. I’m going to give up, I don’t want to keep running. I can’t find the end to this cruel maze God has set up for me. I’m not a lab rat looking for the cheese. I am a person, I have feelings, I do. I’m not a gross, emotionless robot that is tasked to appeal to your guy’s desires. Why must you hate me and shun me away from society? I just want one second of comfort, to feel like I’m in my mother’s arms again. Why does my mom hate me? I don’t even get to feel a mother’s love because I’ve disappointed her so much. Please, let me restart, I promise I can be a better person. Give me a second chance, I’m not a monster.. I’m not. :( I want to claw my skin off, let all the sticky substance out. The blood that makes up my body, drying so fast.. Smearing all over the wall. Why was I given such a cruel life? I never asked for much, I abided by everything you’ve ever wanted yet this is what I got in return? A cold, lonely, miserable life.. I just want to kiss a girl and hold her.. Please, I can treat someone right, I’m nurturing. I just want to take care of someone or something for once in my horrible life. Will I ever be free from this pain? There’s a hole in my heart that nothing can ever fill. No person or object, I’m just not complete. I’m not mechanic, I react back to people — Why do people act like that’s so abnormal? I’m sorry for being upset after you make fun of me, I can’t just take it? :( I wish I was free from this all. I want to cut my hands off, cut my legs off, I just need to die. I can’t be here any longer. I served my purpose, right? A puppet for all of you to make fun of and bully. That’s all I was here for. It’s over. For me, not for anyone else. I am just a shell of what use to be here. Goodbye.